Ugliest Ships in Eve #4: Cruisers

For those who might not already be aware, I started a set of ugly ships contests.

  1. Contest Rules and Ugliest Destroyer
  2. Ugliest Frigate
  3. Ugliest Noobships and Shuttles

As noted in the rules post, I’m focusing on the T1 subcap ships – the winner (person with the best comment/justification) gets an ugly ship! In this one the winner will get their choice of the four “winners” (we mean losers).

UPDATE:The comments on this one were nothing short of hilarious. Make sure to read all the comments and also the ones on the Forum thread here. But the cruiser winner is Kirith Kodachi for this gem: “The Moa looks like a cyborg zombie goose that was rebuilt with parts from an industrial microwave oven from 1985.” Kirith gets his choice of Augoror, Moa, Celestis or Bellicose!

Remember you have to comment to win – my vote and justification after each poll. NOTE:On your comment please include your in-game name or Twitter @name so I know where to contact you if you win!


My Vote – Amarr Cruisers

Six months ago, this would have been easy. But CCP has been on a roll, and it all started with the rebuild of the Maller. The new Maller is unquestionably prettier than the old Maller. It’s more menacing and angular.

One day she'll be a swan. Right after that nose job.

But it’s still the ugliest of the lot – sorry CCP! Seriously, it needs that huge nose? And “Maller”? Really? Like you use it for shopping trips? I think you were looking for “Mauler”, right?

The Augoror came in a close second (again, you meant “Auguror”, right?).

I like the Omen and I love the Arbitrator – possibly my favorite ship model in the whole game is the Curse, an Arbitrator variant.

he bottom line, though, as you will see below, is that the Amarr lineup stands head and shoulders above the cruisers of all the rest of the races. They’re slick, shiny, aerodynamic and menacing … something most of the rest are not.

So Maller fans, don’t be disheartened … it’s just the ugliest of the beautiful.


My Vote – Caldari Cruisers

Oh. My. God. What happened here? I’m not sure I know how to pick the prettiest of these, much less the ugliest. The Caldari cruiser lineup is a horrorshow of epic proportions.

The designer of this ship had a deep and abiding goose phobia, and dreamed they would all be squashed by trucks.

I actually had to compare the in-game models to determine what was really the worst of the lot, but in the end few things can really compare to the ugly that is the Moa. It looks like a mutant club-footed duck that got half ran-over by a truck. Good lord.

The other model in close running was the Osprey. I don’t even… what the hell is going on in the front of this ship? There were definitely no design awards here.

The Blackbird, while ugly, is unremarkable. It’s your basic toy spaceship built by a 3 year old out of Duplos. And the Caracal actually approaches marginally attractive. Where the Amarr Maller is the ugliest of the pretty, the Caracal may be the prettiest of the ugly. I’d take the Maller over the Caracal any day.


My Vote – Gallente Cruisers

This one was actually pretty easy, because the Celestis is so far and away uglier than any of its brethren.

It's not a tumor!

It’s another “tumor” entry from the Gallente school of metal blob design. And really sad given that it is a signature anti-Dramiel boat and the base for the spectacular Arazu. The Arazu should look badass.

The Exequror isn’t attractive, but other than the fact that they couldn’t put three identical engines on it with equal distribution (I can tell you that the IC Gallente supply chain managers hate keeping parts in stock for this thing) it’s not too bad.

The Thorax, for all the penis jokes, is actually a fairly cool ship, and will be especially with the new paint job. The Vexor has a strange menace all its own befitting a drone platform.


My Vote – Minmatar Cruisers

I may have mentioned once or twice that I’m a Minmatar pilot. Specifically, one focused on cruisers and battlecruisers. I’d honestly like to take a torch to the lot of these models. They are great ships in play, but I don’t love any of the models.

We had a really cool ship, but the Republic said we had to use all the spare I-beams laying around, so we built this!

That said, the most offensive to me is the Bellicose. I fly Rapiers, so I spend a lot of time looking at this model. The giant vertical side arms on this thing are, to be blunt, a horrible eyesore. Turn them 90 degrees, chop them off, add horizontal panels in their place, for god’s sake do something. The main body is fine as is, but those giant H-beams simply wreck a perfectly good ship.

The Scythe is better, but not by much. And maybe I’d like it even less if I had Logi V trained and was regularly in a Scimitar. But it suffers from the same bolted-together feel as the Bellicose.

The Stabber could have been a beautiful ship, but somehow despite its sleek projectile look in the front it has this cobbled and awkward back. And the Rupture has always looked like a Paslode nailgun to me, with a pirate galleon back end. It’s just a weird model.


Overall Ugliest Cruiser

Hands down, the Caldari Moa. My god is that an ugly ship. I often remark on the ugliness of Minmatar girder-based duct tape design, but even the Bellicose doesn’t hold a candle to the Moa.

CCP, please throw this model out and start over!

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16 Responses to Ugliest Ships in Eve #4: Cruisers

  1. Rhavas says:

    Seriously, Tibus Heth needs to kill all his ship designers.

  2. rixx javix says:

    Oh my, my, my, my. This one hits so close to home it might as well be screwing my wife! I hate, hate, hate the Blackbird/Falcon model with a supreme passion that makes me want to explode. Having spent so much time in one, hiding and waiting, hours and hours trapped within the textures that don’t actually line-up, the weird looming, not attached to anything strangeness that is OVER HALF THE SHIP!!! What the heck?!? Uninspired nonsensical weirdness, obviously designed on a napkin in some Icelandic Bar one late night before deadline and intoxicated unconsciousness.

  3. Mara Rinn says:

    “Maller” is pronounced the same way as “mallet”. Well, unless you pronounce “hammer” as “hommer”.

    Just sayin’

  4. Jester says:

    Osprey. I have a character where I name all of his ships after those in the Horatio Hornblower and Lucky Jack Aubrey novels. The one and only Osprey I ever bought, I immediately named HMS POLYCHREST, an early Jack Aubrey ship that was so ugly, “she was known as the ‘Carpenter’s Mistake’, and no one in the service had ever imagined she would be launched.” The book then goes on to say she was “built by a gang of rogues and jobbers.” Needless to say, in the book, POLYCHREST is near unsailable, runs aground, breaks in two, and sinks. 😉

    People who fly Ospreys and Basilisks do so zoomed way, WAY out so as not to be turned to stone.

  5. orakkus says:

    The Scythe model is actually a revamp. The first version would have easily trumped the ugliest category for all four races (and did for a number of years). About two-three years ago, CCP’s designers couldn’t stand it any longer and revamped it, made it sleeker, made it more shiplike instead of two boxes plugged together with a 90 degree PVC elbow (yes, that is what it looked like).

    The thing that irritates me most about the Moa is how the engines aren’t aligned out the back. And that one “wing”-bit looks like it was put together by retarded preschoolers. As mentioned before, Heth should fire his ship designers.. and maybe execute them too.

  6. Mara Rinn says:

    The Minmatar ships are all beautiful, except for the Rupture. Seriously, it’s almost like someone tried to make half of a Minmatar ship: where are the wingy bits? Where are the masses of spiky antennae (even the Machariel has an array of spiky antennae out the front as homage to its Minmatar ancestry)? It looks more Caldari than Minmatar.

    The Moa is too easy a target to pick on. The fact that so many people overlook the Caldari design doctrine (uglify them off the battlefield) means they get lulled into the trap of giving the Moa more attention than it deserves. Then while they’re busy trying to find new ways of describing the Moa as ugly, BAM! There’s the Rupture smacking you over the back of your head with it’s not-quite-Minmatar-but-definitely-Caldari-ugliness.

    All the other Minmatar ships are beautiful, even the Reaper. You just have to understand Minmatar aesthetics: Brutor philosophy is “as many guns as possible”. Sebestior design philosophy is “why put bits on the ship that aren’t going to make it work better”. Verokhior design philosophy is “make it fast.” Thus you get fast ships with lots of guns that don’t have wasteful decorative panels (for ostentatious design, you can’t go past the Amarr designs).

    The Rupture is not just ugly, it’s all the evidence you need to know that there is a Caldari sympathiser hanging out in the Minmatar ship design labs. The Rupture gets my vote: while beauty is only skin deep, ugly goes right to the core.

    • Jester says:

      Yeah, the Bellicose hull is actually my favorite Minmatar cruiser hull. It just looks like a spaceship to me. Crew isolated from the engines, heat sinks in a place where they will… you know… dissipate heat, and it structurally makes sense from front to back. I find the Rupture ridiculous-looking, nowhere moreso than the ridiculous little pod bridge super-glued to the front.

  7. Dsan says:

    *derp*
    To tired to say something, other than commenting for the competetion.
    My votes were “honest” though.

    @Dsan_dk
    Dsan ingame.

  8. Bellicose, for all the reasons you said. Plus, it looks like a cannon, your ship shouldn’t look like a weapon (ok, the geddon does look like a dildo, which you could use as a weapon, but it isn’t explicitly a weapon). When I first saw the bellicose in game I though it should have one mega-awesome gun represented by the barrel. It isn’t, please change it CCP!!!

  9. Abby_Nital says:

    Right, so, while I wait for the BF3 launcher to update, thought I’d give this a go.
    Amarr: Amarr tend to have the more aesthetically pleasing ships. However, I had to vote for the Omen on this. Great ship, fantastic use, but the tumour on the one side just throws everything off. Put one on each side, could look better, better than the one, or even nothing. Or make the one tumour elongated and sleaker looking. But the way it is now, it just…feels off.
    Caldari: *shudder* It was close, but I went with the Blackbird, actually. While the Moa is indeed lumpy and awkward, you can see, like with the Osprey, it’s name-sake, in the model. Same-ish with the Caracal. But I cannot see a Blackbird in it’s name-sake model. I just can’t, and it throws me off. Oh yes, I can see the body and wings of a bird, which is kind of generic for a bird. Which, I’ll admit the Blackbird is kind of a generic bird, itself. But my point is that it just doesn’t quite fit the avian theme the others do.
    Gallente: Right, going to skip the Gals. Hate Gal ships, all of them. Useless the whole lot. Well, okay, I suppose not really. But they…I don’t know…I’ve never liked their ships. Any of them. Though I will say that the Hyperion and Megathron aren’t TOO bad. At least the Megathron looks like it had some design to it, rather than just being a blob or two of shit thrown together as a design.
    Minmatar: Again, very close. The Rupture and Belicose could both maybe use a little redo. The Rupture because frankly it looks more like a Caldari cruiser than a Minnie. The Belicose because it has so much potential, but it just seems to miss that minnie flair the others(besides the Rupture) have.

    Overall, I’m going to say that the ugliest ship would possibly have to be…oh…it’s the Omen. That tumour gets to me every time. I just don’t understand it’s reasoning. Or at least I don’t understand the reasoning behind just one. Every other Amarr ship is symmetrical, why not this one. It goes against everything Amarr, basically. It is the heretic of Amarr spaceships. And all it needs is just a quick tweak, just make it symmetrical. Then it fits right back in with the design concept of Amarr and their damn shiny symmetrical bastards.

  10. Tressador says:

    This one is actually fairly easy:

    Amarr ships: This one is difficult because the Amarr weirdly seems to have a basic grasp of various aesthetic concepts such as Symmetry and other anti-state ideas. the Arby model is excelent, not only looking cool but also pratical, while the Omen with it’s slight (i think another commentor called it a tumor? yeah that’s it) upsets an already fairly good model. the other two unfortunately i can’t complain about- Omen it is.

    Caldari: I know everyone likes knocking the Moa, and it’s a commonly held fact that the Caldari Cruisers simply fail in every regard when it comes to apparence. (not just looking pretty too… from a strictly pratical sense the caldari design ethic falls flat on it’s face too). My vote here has to be the blackbird.
    Why no Moa? because while the Moa is probably one of the most ugly sonofabitch i have ever layed eyes on, it still has a vague resemebelance to some sort of avian animal that suffered from a genetic disorder and a heavy case of blunt trauma- and when i say resembles i mean the same way star constellations supposedly resemble various animals and pieces of kitchenware.
    By comparison the Blackbird, every time i see it, no matter how i see it, in whatever colour, never fails to remind me of a giant sewage process complex in space, complete with the treated waste outlets (ahem… engines). It’s simply not the kind of thing you’d think was capable of interstellar travel, whenever i see a blackbird i mistake for part of the mission starbase complexes. yes it’s just that bad. the Blackbird is one of the most ugly ships ever made in my opinion.

    gallente:
    Sorry Cel, but there’s really no competition here. not even the Exequor, which resembles a artificially shortened snake with a mutant mini-me head can beat this. It’s almost as if the devs decided that they’d put a massive misshaped orb in space, strap various assorted bits and pieces to it, and declare it spaceworthy. It conjures up images of a giant Obese guy in a spacesuit, strangely intruging but mostly harmless.

    Mimmy:
    the Belicose. the Stabber which always reminded me of a ship that should have looked like a arrow or bullet but only ended up resembling a cross between a rat and a half-arsed spaceship, and the Ruppy which i always imagined being flown from the back (i think the word “pirate Galleon” has been mentioned? this). But hands down it’s the Bellicose. Few non-Caldari ships have managed to get such an utterly useless, unattractive, ineffectual feature stuck on it like the Bellicose. I mean seriously, what are the point of those things? I know you needed to somehow give the ship mass, but this is a spectacular case of how not to do it.

    Overall, as i mentioned, its the blackbird.

  11. Michael Smith says:

    The basi looks like a duck trying to break quicky after sprinting to get away from something with it’s legs failing about.

  12. I love the Caracal, don’t mind the Blackbird, but even though I’ve gotten used to the Moa is has to be the worst ship design in all of Eve. The Osprey is a close second.

    The Moa looks like a cyborg zombie goose that was rebuilt with parts from an industrial microwave oven from 1985. I still don’t know why the old Scorpion got redesigned and now the Raven before this monstrosity.

    The Gallente ships at least look designed, even if by a drugged up hippie. I like the slapdash look of the Minnie ships reflecting their depserate need for function over form during and after the rebellion from the Amarr. The Amarr ships should just be left alone, I love the new Maller. Only the Augoror is slightly boxy.

  13. Pingback: Fifteen Minutes | Interstellar Privateer

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